November 8, 2013, when everything in the news talk of Janet Lim-Napoles and the very controversial 10 billion pork barrel scam. Well, though the tension already subsided 6 years after, remembering that same event still left us with discontent. We all wanted answers, yet we’re left with nothing but “I invoke my right”. She has all the rights as it is stated.
The 1987 Constitution, in Article III, Section 17, provides that “no person shall be compelled to be a witness against himself.” The phrase “self-incrimination” does not appear. Nor does it appear in Section 12 of the same Article III on the rights of a person in the custodial investigation which provides, among others, for the “right to remain silent.”
According to the law, she has the rights to answer all kinds of questions as if saying, “Wait! If I answer that, I’ll be in danger.” On the other hand, though not being Janet Lim-Napoles and not being part of 10 billion pork barrel scam, we unconsciously use this statement too! Believe me. We really do. Well, some of the scenarios are as follows:
- Not saying any negative comments to a kind, thoughtful but always a late-comer friend.
- Keeping silent for mistreatment of an auntie or an uncle.
- Avoiding to be in a conversation that would ask for your bright ideas.
- Not fighting back to your boss/someone older, even when he’s on the wrong side.
- Fighting back to your boss/someone older, but only when you lose patience.
- Ditching someone for being hurt and not letting the other person know.
- Being too shy, too silent, too distant to people and too much anti-socialization.
- Saying something, then back-off just before you’re heard.
If for some reason, one of these hits, then you might be thinking I am correct. Others might still think I am wrong, well then I probably am. This is not to prove how right or wrong I am. Rather this article is to show you how important it is for the world to correctly hear you. Yes, you. Your ideas, your opinions, and your way of thinking.
For years I have been trying to shut myself off the world for the fear of being misunderstood. You heard it right. A lot of times, I can’t even count on my fingers, I was misunderstood. My dilemma in weighing things well and balancing to which view should I stick in still became my problem for years. I was even on the verge of stopping and giving up since I cannot even understand myself. It’s hard to analyze why until a friend made me realize how vast and quick perspectives from different views, people and opinions transmits to this little mind of mine. I was shocked, at the same time delighted. Now I realize, it’s both a strength and a weakness.
With that, fear of being misunderstood and dilemmas in understanding inner self stopped me from being heard. Yet, thirst for wisdom, knowledge and deeper understanding seems to have no end. It’s like forcing water to flow on a river. Until I read of Jack Welch talking about “Lack of Candor” in his book Winning.
Candor by definition is the quality of being open and honest in expression; frankness. Simply saying lack of candor is not having enough open and honest in expression or frankness. Jack Welch talks about the lack of candor inside a company and how necessary to have candor in order to win in the business world. Indeed, I saw its importance, not only in business but also in our daily lives with our family, friends and ourselves. Why? Just 2 things,
- Speaking a language both can understand does bridge a person’s mind to another.
- Silence, not unless you’re deaf, lengthens the bridge of understanding.
Lack of candor is dangerous, so does too much candor. For such reason, I listed things I’ve learned through time, failures and fears.
Speakers AND Listeners
Use candor the moment you think the speaker and the listener are both ready. Ready for what? Ready for the topic, ready to absorb what the speaker will say and ready to speak in the calmest, most positive way possible. To help us all in being prepared as speakers and/or listeners, ideal questions to be asked to self are listed. Note: It can be “YES” to some but not to all. It’ll be my delight if you’ll leave a comment and share your thoughts.
For speakers:
- Are my ideas filtered enough to deliver clearly?
- Should I really say this? OR am I just being too emotional? OR am I just angry or annoyed.
- Do I have enough data, witness, or proofs for the other person to believe me?
- Will I still be okay if I speak up and the other person did not respond positively?
- Will this give me inner peace? Or will it just stress me out?
For listeners, most of the time, they come to us on moments we least expect. Such times when we thought everything’s okay then suddenly a not-so-pleasing comment will come. Following are the questions I suggest we ask ourselves:
- How true is this?
- Will that increase my value as a person? Will it help me to be better?
- Whether it is constructive or destructive criticism, did I say thank you?
It is always lovely to see people listening well from the other and hearing someone speak in the nicest way. Sad but it doesn’t always happen that way. Failure of sharing ideas well will lead to misunderstanding. Same way, failure of listening well will also lead to misunderstanding. Both speakers and listeners losses the game of bridging their thoughts. But just like an old folk used to say, “Practice makes perfect”. Note which part you should keep and improve as a speaker and/or as a listener. No beginner gets 100% on any kind of test. Therefore, a series of failures and errors will reveal where we lack, but it will also prove how better we can be. Just keep learning.
Time
Time is everything. We talked about how important the readiness of speakers and listeners is. However, when only one party is ready, the other might not cope up well. For simple instance, you, as a speaker, are ready to share with a friend how happy your day was because of the bonuses you received for this month. That friend, on the other hand, just lost the job and would like to share with you how sad she was. You sharing with a friend without knowing her situation might lead to a negative response. Worst is, she might say words that might offend you and in return, you might also offend her.
Another scenario could be, the same friend could not say anything happy in return to your joyous story and might let you think that she doesn’t want to share happiness with your success. When in fact, she just cannot be happy because of her situation you know nothing about.
More often than not, such scenarios happen. This might lead to a.) both parties will remain silent until another friend, true friend, will help you understand what happened and why she acted like that. OR b.) Both parties will remain silent until another friend, not so true friend, will NOT help you understand what happened and why she acted like that. Instead, leave you with so many questions or worst, resentment.
There are noticeable factors we can consider when can we say that time is right. Like, the aura of the person you’re going to talk to. Is she in the right mood? Is she open-minded to topics like this? A bit judging but, will she understand what you’ll try to say? It’s also a struggle between, “If not now when?”, and “Is it really now?” I tried to some, and most of it I failed. It’s like a 30–70 chance. Well, at least there’s 30! That’s much better than having 0–100. Soon, hopefully, I’ll master balancing this out. You’ll be the first one to know! 😉
SILENCE
On the definition of Candor, I mentioned that “Silence, not unless you’re deaf, lengthens the bridge of understanding”. This is still true up to this point. Same as with Proverbs 17:28,
Even a fool, when he keeps silent, is considered wise.
Contradicting? Not totally. The beauty and danger of being silent lies on the length you remain silent. A simple scenario is when a community project planning is currently being held. You were part of the finance team and was called to help allocate the budget, corresponding to the activities that will be conducted. Your purest intention is to not let the team exceed the budget. There are three possible acts you can do.
- You started the meeting with the intro, “This is our budget for this project. We might not make it if we buy this. Also, not mentioning the cost of food. Please also consider that we do not have much time to change our plans so please, don’t buy much.”
- The meeting started all ideas where listed and everyone started to feel like it will end great. But as part of finance, you estimated in mind the cost and seems like it will exceed the budget. You do not want to ruin everyone’s fun and excitement. Anyways, you’re not 100% sure of your estimation. You let them all talk and nodded to everything. Just as you were about to say your thoughts, the meeting adjourned.
- The meeting started everyone listed their ideas. You still do not want to ruin the happy atmosphere, but as soon as you noticed it will exceed the budget you quickly asked, “Sorry to interrupt. I’m thinking if it‘s possible to have an alternative. Just so we can still have a plan if this goes out of our budget. What do you think?”
Act #1, spoke too quick that blocks other people’s ideas and at some point intimidates them to share their ideas. Act #2, let your fears, shyness, and lack of confidence speak your ideas which might block your thoughts and ideas. It’s like being a bird, noticeably have wings, but saying to self, “You can’t fly.”
In a way or another, we often let Act #1 and #2 happen. Those scenarios have to happen because that’s our opportunity to learn. No, rather, where we should learn. If those two keep on happening again and again then it will repeat until we finally realize which areas we have to learn from. Act #3, allowed ourselves to listen to other people, at the same time, spoke up when needed to. Thus, speak up with all respect, calmness, and straightforwardness.
Being silent requires attentive ears, willingness to listen, analyze and understand. Breaking up silence requires respect, calmness, appropriate way of speaking, and clear statements. Please do not think I apply all these all the time, I am still a learner.
Enough candor has a beauty on its own. I hope you see it too, apply to daily lives and learn how to properly use it. Then we’ll not be like Janet Napoles whose stuck with, “I invoked my rights to be silent.”
Or maybe she intentionally doesn’t want to answer anything at all. Well, who knows. The bridge of understanding is way too long now. 😏
